Delirity

… kind of like this little green bug who rode to work with me last week. He hopped onto my mirror who knows when and wound up holding on for dear life for 18 miles!

I’m sad to have to say that pretty much all the goals I set at the beginning of the year have been abandoned in one way or another. Probably the worst thing that I’ve let go of (and the first thing I absolutely have to get back) is being selfish: paying attention to and taking time for myself.

Life has been stressful in so many ways over the past 6 months. I’ve been doing what I can to keep my head above water, but somewhere in there I forgot that the point of doing that is so that I can breathe. Thankfully, Jesse and I had a great talk a week or so ago and have started instituting at least 1 hour of “meaningful activity” every day. Sometimes we spend the hour together (frequently playing cards – we’re attempting to play through all the rummy variations in the book we’ve got) and sometimes we use the hour as personal time (starting back at the gym, going for a long walk, or taking a much needed soak in the tub with a book).

This week I’m working on getting myself back into exercising regularly – I’m thinking 30 minutes 5 times a week would be an awesome place to start. 1 day down!

Do you ever get lazy about actually putting a new roll of toilet paper into the holder? I set out new toilet paper yesterday and despite the fact that I look directly at it, I can’t seem to stop myself from grabbing at the empty roll.

Will getting off the couch and going to get a new movie actually solve my growing fidgetiness? I’ve been on the couch for about a day and a half now and it’s starting to get old (but I am starting to feel better).

Are there massage therapists that will work on people with colds? I tend to get uncomfortable when I get sick and massages always sound like a good idea (though probably not so much for the massage therapist). For now I’m sticking to my nice hot showers with some peppermint extract.

There are days like today when I wish that I could eat Saltines with some tomato soup for lunch. I suppose I could actually do it… I just probably wouldn’t feel healthy for another month or so. Makes me sad. Where are the gluten free saltines?!

No, not the song. This weekend Jesse and I were talking about how neither of us have quite yet nailed down our own personal values. I feel like I’m slowly sneaking up on it… slowly figuring out who I am… but I still don’t feel like I’d be able to write a cohesive personal mission statement.

For years I’ve been working on this issue and trying to figure out what ideas and things resonate with me. It’s hard to separate what is me and what I’ve adopted over the years because it’s been easiest or the most prominent in the world around me. I’ve always thought “I’m not necessarily old enough to have it all figured out”… but how long can you use that excuse?

Things I know for sure about myself:

• I value family above everything else
• I primarily have a servant mentality (which I have to make sure to counter so that I take time out to serve myself!)
• I value hard work and honesty

Beyond that… gosh, I don’t really know. I’m still trying to learn about myself. I’m not entirely certain how to go about getting myself figured out, but I think maybe coming up with some questions (and their answers) might get me on the right track. Things I’m going to be thinking about this week:

• What would I do if Jesse suddenly ceased to exist in my life?
• Which of my daily activities seem to contribute to living the life I want to live, which are neutral, and which are detrimental?

Any other good ideas for questions?

It seems like there are lots of changes that I’m settling into right now. But I am settling into them, which is nice. So I’m ready to impose a new one on myself…

This morning (when I wasn’t sleeping due to a lovely bout of insomnia) I signed up for SparkPeople. I’m tracking what I eat. Tracking my exercise. I’m recommitting to myself. Over the past few years I haven’t focused on my body as much as I should. I’ve let it become something that I don’t really recognize… that I’m uncomfortable and unhappy with. Definitely time for a change there.

And body, I’m sorry. I’ll fix it. We’ll be happy and healthy again soon, I promise.

… and I’ve decided that I’m not as good at pondering the big questions as I used to be. Maybe it’s because there are more big questions now. Maybe it’s because now the big questions are more relevant.

Some of the things I’ve been thinking about:

• What would I do if we had “enough” money without having to work – would I stay at my job? would I volunteer? would it be time to have kids? look into buying a house?
• When Jesse is back here from San Diego (sometime in the 2nd half of the year – and no, he hasn’t left yet, but that time is creeping up very quickly since he’ll be done with school in 2 weeks) will we have enough discipline to not buy a house and try to pay down some of our debt/save up a nice down payment before we get really excited about one?
• Why is it that when I read books I’ve always got the question in the back of my head ‘what will I read next?’ and ‘when will I be done with this book so I can get on to the next one’? Where did this feeling even come from? I love reading, so why can’t I be 100% into the book I’m reading at the moment?
• How much of what I do is reactive and how much is principle driven? How can I shift my actions to primarily being principle driven?
• Do I get grumpy because of my job? Is it because I haven’t cultivated other interests? Was I just naive before when I was happy all the time? Was I really happy all the time?
• In terms of buying a house I think when we eventually do it we need a yard so we can have a garden.
• How cool is it that my husband wants chickens? I would love fresh eggs, but I totally can’t guarantee I’d touch the chickens… good thing he’s on board!

I definitely have more questions than answers. I know they say college is supposedly the time you learn about yourself, but all my big questions seem to be coming up now. I think my brain was too preoccupied with schoolwork when I was in college.